the blahs

the feeling is the same
I have talked about it
I will keep talking about it

kids were home for Easter
kids are gone
my belly is upside down

I think it happens in the guts
we may talk about heart ache but the feel is in the gut
or maybe it’s all that rich food we ate over the week end
where ever it comes from the feel spreads to the whole body
oh the hollow me
anybody home

enough with that
self pity
it’s beautiful and sunny and I went for a little walk
a little walk is always a good thing to do
when one feels hollow
or ate too much
a walk in the great outdoors is a balm to: the lungs, the stomach, and the heart
to boot Buster the cat kept me company
Buster knows, as animals do
he’s like: pet me, you’ll feel better
and then: pick me up and pet me, carry me around, you’ll never know you’re kids were here
look into my eyes, he said, purr, purr, purr

I take some pictures
the remnant of the ice storm is melting away
Christmas lights on Easter Sunday
the woods are soothing
purr, purr, purr

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all is well

having lunch with a friend the other day something came up
an opening appeared in our conversation
a place she was most likely hesitant to venture into
but an opening never the less
she could, if she wanted to, show vulnerability
she’d been walking a tightrope

she talked about a major thunderstorm, an heart quake, a tsunami
she talked about relationship
how fragile and strange it is
to go from overcast, to pure chaos, to sunshine again
at the moment of our talk the sunshine hadn’t dried all the puddles
the road was still muddy

no one really wants to talk about failure
failure to communicate
failure to have a healthy, happy relationship
as far as I’m concerned it’s all work
be it with the love of your life, your parents, your kids, your friends
it’s ongoing work
there are days I can barely stand myself
imagine anyone else

think of our own needs and well being
how closely do we listen to that
how much do we take care of ourselves
to be attentive to others needs, to be able to give, listen, be present
not necessarily at all times but at least, at the most needed times
to have the capacity to do so
it’s a hard thing to do
to be

my friend was in a fragile state when the wave came crashing on her
she knew the boat was rocking but she couldn’t see it sink

aren’t we all surprise when something breaks
I sure am
my car for example
everything seems to run fine and then, bam, that’s it, she’s done
of course if you pay close attention
things like maintenance, oil change, noticing that little blinking light
taking care of things today instead of sometime tomorrow
or the next day
oh, the light stopped blinking
everything must be fine

or not

the good news is we can fix things
by we I don’t mean I can fix my car
my love one would roll his eyes at that “we”
he is “we” in many instances
which makes me think how one must pick out words wisely in a conversation
it’s a tricky part of communication
words
the one we use, what they mean to us, how they are understood, what they mean to others
the intention can get lost on that route
all because of a miss chosen word

to get back to my friend is to get back to myself
because I have been in her shoes
I think she must make herself strong
and by that I mean healthy and happy
then she can give
be present, loving, attentive
it works
but it is a lot of work
it’s ongoing
and it requires maintenance

 

pictures: this little plant is a Wintergreen (Gaultheria Procumbens) otherwise called teaberry, one of many wild edible growing in our woods. The berry is eatable, the leaves are used for tea. Finding these is one of many things that makes me happy.

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seedy saturday

I went to a Seedy Saturday event yesterday
it’s a seed exchange, seed selling, information on gardening etc extravaganza
alright, extravaganza is a bit much to describe the event but it is a fun word
and I kind of feel like using that word today
just for fun
and because this seed affair was pretty great
just think; lots of tables with knowledgeable well meaning farmers behind
and loads of visitors eager to get seeds and gardening information
Loads Of Visitors

a seed is such a beautiful thing
containing the potential of multiplicity
last summer I was given a handful of a certain kind of string bean
an old variety called blue jay
that handful turned into beautiful food
and a jar full of seeds

as I was prepping to go to the seed exchange
I packed little envelops with some of the seeds that I had saved
giant sunflowers, coriander, Hopi tobacco (not that I smoke it but it’s a cool thing to grow)
and those beans which at first I could not identify

after a little search I realized they were blue jay
and that the local company that carries them was sold out for this year
I have to say I felt a little smug

growing a garden is a wonderful thing
through your care you receive peace, beauty, satisfaction, and the best food you can eat

saving seeds is the next best thing
a seed is this miracle ready to expand
it’s heritage, culture, tradition
it’s life
saving seeds is essential
it’s addictive
and it’s just plain beautiful

I’ll post a couple pictures so you can see
oh, while I’m at it, here’s a video I made on the topic
Cheers!

 

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riding a fine line

it’s nothing new, it’s always been
if it’s not one thing it’s another
yet somehow it takes me by surprise
why

two years ago I lost my sister
to cancer that is
might as well name the disease
since it seems to be everywhere
around the same time my neighbour was fighting a variation of it
then it was my aunt, and a distant cousin, a coworker, now it’s a friend
every time I shake my head
how can that be

something will take us one day or another
no one knows their expiry date
but it’s easy to forget
go about our business
as we should
I guess

When my kids were little all I wanted was to be around until they grew up
please life, give me that much
let me raise them
life was generous
from now on everyday is a bonus
and I am grateful

today there is someone in my mind with two young boys
and I think
please life give her time

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