pause

I’ve been busy looking after my mama

ups and downs

I will not take time again this morning to write a blog

I need time to reflect

meanwhile what keeps me balanced

is a daily walk

what respite to find nature in the city

tall trees, a river, the sound of running water

here are some pictures

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changes

Friday was my birthday
I turned 48
two times 24
my eldest is 24

a couple years back while working as a french assistant in elementary and high school I had to teach the question: quel âge as tu?
I tried to avoid that question, I didn’t really want the kids to ask me how old I was
didn’t want to hear me say forty something
in front of that young crew it sounded so distant
wrinkles of separation

how sneaky
the day when the mirror shows you
the lines, the quality of the skin, it’s elasticity
as if between Time and Gravity
Epidermis said: screw it, I wain’t fighting no more

to which I say
don’t answer useless questions
don’t hang out with mirrors
give Dermis a drink, water is best

My kids came over for my birthday
it’s always such a treat to hang out with them
my babies have become fantastic young adults
(as oppose to old adults)
they are smart and thoughtful and caring and just plain fun
I love them to bits
I feel devastated the minute they go
then I refill and become myself again
I stop being the mama who’s main preoccupation is to feed her brood
I start focusing on current affair
which is, today, to get in the mind of a child
and take care of my mom

is this what is called the circle of life?
a merry go round of personality
mama, child, me, mama, child, me

I have nothing to complain about
how lucky to be here, now, breathing

here’s what I got to do
as a mama I must let my progeny flourish and feed them (always) with what they need
as me I need to be true, to care, to find nourishment so I too can flourish and be helpful
as a daughter I will be present and loving, for my mama needs it

today’s forecast:
sun and cloud no too cold
weather seems right

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January

January third
overcast, still, dormant
in the garden I have seen tracks
the kale, bearing dark green frozen leaves, has been visited
the deers and I will share

I baked a squash yesterday
and forgot the to be roasted seeds in the wood stove
they didn’t make it
burnt to a crisp
first the oven wasn’t hot enough
that’s when you forget

we were gone new years eve and day
our cats fared well
camping in the studio
with blankets and food
they were especially cuddly when we came back
it’s good to part every now and then
makes you appreciate

the idea of resolution is floating in my head
when is that suppose to happen
like I should stop drinking coffee first thing in the morning
says I as I am sipping my coffee
but I wanted it so much
I must need it

I did go for a walk first thing
I can do that

there will be lists
these are things I’d like to get done this year
like: get rid of stuff, organize, purge, delete, make room
there will also be: visit, call, connect, take time
and: work, what’s my next move
but that’s not a resolution
maybe the resolution is how will I approach it
it being anything and everything
open mind, open heart, care
that’s sounds pretty good

the fire is roaring in the wood stove
I love that sound
it has heat and hot water and potential of baked goods
I’ll give you a wonderful news
the days are getting longer

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